"The version of you that people-pleased, avoided conflict, and stayed small wasn't weak. That version kept you alive until you were strong enough to change."
Do you ever look back at the version of you who stayed, stayed quiet, or kept saying yes and feel nothing but shame? You are not seeing a weak person. You are seeing a version of you that only knew how to survive.
It is easy to look at your past through the eyes of who you are now and ask, “Why did I put up with that?” or “Why did I stay so long?” or “Why did I keep people-pleasing?” Shame will give you a simple answer. “Because you were weak.” But shame is a liar. The truth is more complicated and much more compassionate.
Those “bad habits” were solutions in an unsafe environment. People-pleasing kept you connected to people you depended on, even if they were inconsistent or hurtful. Avoiding conflict kept you out of explosions you had no power to stop. Staying small kept you off the radar of people who reacted badly when you took up space. These patterns were not random flaws. They were intelligent responses to real conditions. Your body and mind did what they had to do to get you through.
When you judge those old behaviors without context, you end up attacking the very parts of you that carried you here. That makes change harder, not easier. You cannot bully yourself into becoming a healthier person. You have to understand why that version of you existed in the first place. Once you see that the old you was doing their best with what they had, the conversation shifts from “What is wrong with me?” to “What did I need that I did not get?”
Honoring your past survival behaviors does not mean letting them run your life now. It means you thank them for their service and gently let them retire. You can say, “People-pleasing kept me safe when I had no power to leave. Today, I have more choices. I can risk disappointing people to honor myself.” The behavior loses its grip when you update the story around it.
This is how inner strength actually grows. Not from pretending you were always strong, but from admitting there were seasons where survival was the only goal. Now you are in a different season. You have more tools, more awareness, maybe more support. You are allowed to choose new patterns without spitting on the old ones that kept you alive when life was smaller and scarier.
Instead of cringing at your past, try placing a hand over your heart and saying, “Thank you for getting me here. I will take it from here.” That is not weakness. That is leadership of your own life.
